This is a blog of a bored little girl, so don't expect much. Posts are gonna be random and ranging from serious, meaningful entries to just some random shit. You can find most, if not all, of my interests in here, like games, nail art, music, food, and more. I don't have any previous experience with blogging, so sorry in advance if I bore you to death. :)
Forgot this existed. I made this 12 years ago, with my last post being about a decade ago. I skimmed through some of these blasts from the past, and it has brought back so many memories from a time long, long ago. And now that I'm here, I know of SOMEONE that is reading these to get to know me better. So special shout out to you!
So for the innocent child that I was back then, I'll let you in on some little secrets from your future. A lot has happened in this decade. You graduated college. You moved back to America. You joined the Navy. You got out of the Navy. You got married. You got divorced. You are taking medication for your anxiety and depression. And you are finally at a point where I can say that we are actually happy.
It wasn't easy. Life has been a roller coaster, and 2024 was that loop that takes you upside down. But I feel like as the year is coming to a close, I'm starting to see the results of all the work I put into myself. I learned about self-love. How to stop pouring into someone's cup when they have no intention of filling yours as well. I ran around trying to figure out what it is that makes me "me". Picked up pieces of myself that I had lost throughout the years. Reconnected with friends and family that I know will always have my back. Learned how to establish boundaries. Refuse to let people step on me. I'm making progress in myself, and I'm proud of what I've done this year.
I reread some of these posts from my past and I wish I could hug me from back then. Tell her that even though things may look bleak and times get rough, we do make it through it. I'm nowhere near the finish line, but I at least know that there is patches of light in this tunnel. Spots that bring warmth and peace in a normally dark and damp place.
Refinding this blog is like finding a time capsule buried in my backyard. And honestly, I wouldn't change anything about what I wrote in the past. All of those emotions and feelings were valid. And they are what shaped me to be who I am today.
Keep your head up high. Hold onto your values and don't let go. Treat people kindly and with respect, even when it gets hard to. Blessing come to those that have faith. Here's to a new year. Cheers!
Here I go again. Another completely random and unpredictable moment when I drown myself in all of the negative feelings I've apparently been keeping it all to myself for a while. I guess without myself even knowing, it just suddenly overflowed. Well, I guess I have nothing else to do but to talk to no one in particular until the bad feelings go away. It's not like I have anyone else I wanna bother in particular.
I feel like shit.
Yeah, I guess that's the most accurate statement as to the whirlpool of emotions that I am currently trapped within. I feel like I can't do anything worth doing anymore. I can't answer phones. I can't buy from small shops. I can't cross the street.
I can't.
Well, it's either I can't, or I don't think I can. I keep making stupid excuses for not learning new things like riding a bike, getting my license, and more. I sometimes even have this bad habit of blaming my parents for never leaving me alone so I could never try something new. I just feel like this failure of a girl that keeps laughing off her problems by making them out as jokes.
I need someone.
I need someone to tell me otherwise. To tell me I'm not a failure and that I'll be fine. To tell me that everyone goes through this sort of existential crisis at one point or another as to their purpose in life, and that I'm not alone in this. Or even someone to smack the truth into me so that I know I need to change. I don't really know what I want. I just need someone to talk to.
And I don't wanna do what other do like posting out in public that they need attention like those annoying attention whores. I don't want people to look at me and think 'oh, she just wants people to tell her she's smart, talented, etc.'. I don't want that. I just want to be accepted. I want people to tell me, but I don't wanna tell anyone what I need. So in the end, I just went in a circle and solved nothing. Sure, I have my few best friends, but I don't want them to worry about me any more than they have to. I wanna be strong too. I just don't know how I'm supposed to get up in the first place.
I feel so confused. I need help. I don't want help. It's like my ego is protecting something this trivial. Anyhow, if anyone I know ends up reading this, just don't mention it. I'll probably be fine by the time anyone notices this post anyways. Just a small tip though. Leave little hints that I actually mean something. I would definitely appreciate that. :) So I guess this entire post was just me letting out whatever I felt. I guess that's how almost all of my posts are. Sorry about the long ranting.
I'm back after months of doing this and that. Hey, at least I have an excuse. I've just been so busy with... life, I guess? Well, since my last post, I have...
Defended and submitted my thesis
GRADUATED (O.O)
Gotten a boyfriend ♥
Figured out how antisocial I really am
Gotten a lot fatter -_-
A new phone (since my old phone just decided to die)
Been addicted with a sorta new game for iPhones and stuff (Summoner's War: Sky Arena)
Listened to my mom ranting about her marriage multiple times
Pondered the meaning of life
And more that I can't really remember
Does that make me productive? Or is this list relatively short for the span of time I had? Well, I guess it is kinda bad that quite a few items on the list are negative. So I guess I wasn't as productive as a hoped for. I'm not surprised. I'm not that productive in the first place anyways.
Well as to why I suddenly decided to revive my blog is cause for the past week or two, I've had a total flip on my body clock. I honestly can't remember the last time I was able to sleep before 2AM. The norm for me nowadays is to lie in bed around 2:30 and just... shut my eyes. I'm not really asleep, so I don't feel rested in the slightest, and I end up opening my eyes again to see that it's around 4AM. Look at all that wasted time. I drift to sleep a little past 4, but end up waking up late into the day at around 3PM. By that time, I would've missed breakfast and lunch, so I eat a lunch/dinner hybrid. See how messed up my clock is? So now, I'm just trying not to sleep yet so that I might be able to sleep earlier in the night. I really hope this works.
So whenever I'm just lying in bed, I end up over-thinking how useless I've become. I figure that if my parents ever do end up breaking up, I don't have enough life skills of common sense to survive. I don't know how to cross the street, commute, talk on the phone, buy stuff from anywhere that's not in a mall, ride a bike, ride a car, exercise, and more. See? If someone plopped me in the middle of town somewhere, I'd most probably end up either a beggar or even dying there. Sad, isn't it?
So what about all this ranting? Well, I'm gonna use this as a reason for me to actually start doing something with my life. I don't wanna keep having all these dull moments anymore. I wanna be able to actually do something with my life. I don't wanna be an old joe shmoe. I wanna be someone that does things that she could boast to her kids and grandkids. So far, I'm not doing so good, but I know that I'm still too young to give up. I'm not even 20 years old yet. A lot can change in 5, 10, or 20 years. I'm not gonna give up yet. So I guess I'll take it one step at a time.
That means that as a first step, I need to... get some sleep.
I'm the spoiled little sister that has to get what I want.
I'm the mean older sister that wants to be the "bunso" of the family again.
I'm the sister that is too awkward to be able to keep up a conversation.
I'm the sister that isn't noticed, but wants to be.
I'm the sister that wants to get closer to her siblings, but can't find it in herself to take the first step, to make the first move. I'm stuck with reading posts and conversations about my family treating others more like family than they do me. I'm the attention whore sister that wants to be in the middle of it all. But I can't do anything about it.
I wish I could do more. I wish I could tell them I that I really like talking with them. But I can't. I just can't. So I end up forgotten. Replaced. I see others being treated more as a sister than I am. I just pretend not to notice. I pretend it's alright.
I'm the sister that nobody wants. I can't do anything except make a mess of everything that others have to clean up after. Maybe that's why nobody wants to be responsible of me. I'm just another to feed. I'm just another face in the family reunion. I'm just there, but at the same time not.
Yeah, I probably fail at being a sister. Everybody can imagine the perfect sister as the one that will run to you at random times just to say that she missed you. The cute little girl that knows how to say how she feels. But I'm nowhere near that. I hold everything in, waiting for the time that my siblings remember me.
And now I'm just stuck thinking, My brother never talked to me like that before. My sister never taught me how to dress up. My little brother never actually looked up to me before.
I'm amazed that 2013 is almost done with. Only one month is left of this year. That was way too fast for me. And coming up soon is Christmas, with the trees, ornaments, and gifts galore. My wish list hasn't changed much. This year is the same as any year. I would be totally happy with anything to be honest, but of course there are still those things that I would love to receive more than others. I doubt anybody would actually read this, but I might as well start listing these down.
*An original copy of either FFVII, FFVIII, or Chrono Cross (I would also enjoy the soundtracks of these)
*A teddy bear that looks like Ted
*A Patron Avril Lavigne Concert ticket (If I don't get one for Christmas, I'm gonna have to buy one in January)
*A Final Fantasy Plushies/Figure (I've seen a bunch of these somewhere...)
*Makino Tsukushi's Saturn Necklace (from Hana Yori Dango)
*A Planner (Since I'm more bound to use it if it's a gift)
*A Letter. Actually, I don't care if you write random shit on it or what. As long as it's a letter that isn't filled with plastic comments, I would love it. Sentimental person here.
Yup. That sounds about right. It's either non-attainable, or a letter. :))
Hello my blog! Remember me? I haven't written anything for over half a year already. How that much time passed so fast, I can't imagine. Anyways, I'm stuck in class and I'm bored as fudge, so I decided to type. I honestly don't know what I'm gonna type about, but who cares? :))
So right now, I'm a classroom. But not just any classroom. This classroom has this advanced technology designed to "increase" the amount of comfort for those within the four walls of the room. This state-of-the-art function is apparently a breakthrough in modern technology, but it's not THAT rare. Many high class buildings have this feature built in. Those that don't experience this technology on a daily basis embrace its effects with open arms, but to those that have already gotten used to it, it sometimes becomes a hindrance in productivity. This hassling technology is called the Air Conditioning System.
Often called 'aircon' in some countries or abbreviated AC or A/C in most countries (which for me is short for Agitating Cold), the air conditioning system is not a luxury for all. No, I'm not saying that it is monopolized by the upper and middle class (though that may be the case), but that not all people enjoy the effects of synthesized winter minus the snow. Sure, the cold is a refreshing escape from summer's high temperatures, but during the cold season, it should be illegal to turn the thermostat too low.
In this classroom, it's not hard to see that I'm the only one who disapproves of this unnecessary waste of electricity. My colleagues are wrapped up in extra shirts and jackets. One of them even resorted to wearing socks on his hand to protect his fingers from the cold. The moment our professor announced a quick snack break, the room was empty of shivering students. We stayed huddled together in the hallway, where open windows provided a safe haven from the blistering cold. Complaints about the air conditioner were heard from left to right. The suggestion to have the air conditioner turned off popped up everywhere.
Even I admit that not ALL air conditioners are like this. But our classroom in particular had the temperature set really low. Usually, I'm the only one who complains about the aircon, even though my jacket is part of my daily outfit. Even though I came from America and migrated to a tropical country, I became abnormally sensitive to the cold. It came as a surprise that I was not the only one with a chill.
Well I guess there's not much that I can actually do about the temperature, so I decided to just sit it out and brace the frigid air until the discussion is finished. It's alright. I've always wanted to be a talking snowman.
Just yesterday, my friend told me a cute story of what he saw when he got home. He found a baby bird in a cage. When he asked where the baby bird came from, his little sister told him that they found the bird on the ground, injured. A cat almost got to it, so they went to save the baby by placing it in a cage.
So my friend decided to tie the cage up into a tree so that the cat wouldn't be able to reach it again. Once the cage was all set, he noticed the mother bird watching over its baby. It wouldn't leave its baby behind, so she would stay near the cage.
She would also flap her wings, and the baby would try to imitate her. She was teaching her baby how to fly. The baby had a small wound on its leg, but its wings were fine. The mother bird still stayed near the baby, making sure no harm came its way.
When my friend went back to check on the baby bird before dinner, he found the cage empty. He had left the cage open for the baby bird to be able to fly out. I guess that means the baby has found out how to fly and has left with its mother already.
And now that today is Mother's day, I'd like to give a shout out to all the mother birds out there who always watch over their baby birds and who teach them how to fly. Just like a mother bird, we all have a mother. She may be far away, or just downstairs. No matter where your mother is, give them a hug or at least a phone call. Tell them thank you for teaching you how to walk, talk, and fly. Tell them thank you for never giving up on you, no matter how hard it is to take care of you. Tell them you love them.
So Happy Mother's day to all mothers out there! Take care, God bless, and THANK YOU. :)
Hello again my dear blog! After a month of not typing anything here, I'm back with a vengeance. My friends got kinda drunk and decided to pay me a visit. At 3AM in the morning. So here I am, wide awake when I'm supposed to be asleep. So I decided to make another blog post.
I heard this song one day while I was taking a shower. Yeah, it just happened to play while my music was on shuffle. I've played this particular songs plenty of times before, but this was the first time that I actually listened to the lyrics. The chorus pulled me in. So I decided to play the song again.
Lately, I've been pretty happy with my life. Sure, I still cry at night, but not as much as before. A LOT has changed in the past month. And that also includes my love life. Yeah, you read that right. I dunno, but I feel a lot better about my heart nowadays. It feels like a huge burden has been lifted.
Before, my mind was still stuck on my ex. He was my first and only before. I know I still love him until now, but not like before. In the past, I kept going in circles, trying to find a way to get close to him again. Little did I know that what I was actually doing was going backwards. Because of what happened in the past, I was now scared of having another relationship, thinking that history might repeat itself. I wanted to move on, but was afraid of getting hurt again.
But now, it feels like I can get over that fear. My friends have been encouraging me, telling me that even though my ex hurt me, not all guys are like him. I couldn't find it in myself to accuse him, but I guess they do have a point. I should stop comparing and start anew.
Yeah, I know that I've made a promise to myself that I won't get into any commitments until after I've graduated. I'll keep that promise just because I know it's the best thing to do. But despite that, now I actually feel that I'm Ready to Love Again. :)
So here are the lyrics to the song, which pretty much sums up this entire post. Enjoy! :D
"Don't judge a book by its cover" they said. If this is what most people believe in, why is it that we have to hide so much of ourselves? Dresses. Make up. And a smile. These things would make it so that less of the real me shows. But why do we still hide? Why don't we just stand up and show the world who we really are?
There are some people who are afraid of being judged. It may be due to a past experience, or the fear of experiencing that sort of thing at all. If I were to be asked, I would tell those people that they shouldn't be afraid to show off who they really are. I mean, who cares if someone doesn't like how you dress or act? You're not put into this world to please them.
The other day, I ate lunch out with my friends. Everything was all peachy until it was time to head back to school. While we were walking along the sidewalk, it suddenly started pouring. Everyone ran to the nearest eave to seek shelter while they searched their bags for umbrellas while I quickly slid on the hood of my jacket. When everyone had an umbrella over their heads, we started walking towards the campus. I went on ahead of the group with only my jacket on. My friends started telling me that they could share their umbrellas with me, but I just shrugged them off. For me, my jacket was enough.
Then I remembered a time back in high school when it would rain, then I would run to the center of the uncovered court and start spinning around until I was drenched. Back then, my friends would all give me a lecture on how I would get sick if I did that and stuff like that, but I didn't really listen. I didn't care what they had to say, all I knew was that I liked to dance in the rain.
I wonder what happened to the me from the past. I wonder where she went. Cause the me today was certainly not dancing. Sure, I still refused to share an umbrella with a friend, but walking isn't the same as dancing. When did I change so much that I stopped being who I was before?
I guess you could say that it's a win-lose situation, since dancing in the rain does increase the chances of me getting sick. But I still lost a part of me from before. I lost the me that would give a rat's ass about what others thought of me. Unknowingly, I because conscious of how people saw me, so I tried to adapt to other people's norm. I slowly became normal.
My birthday has come and gone and not much about me has changed. Well, except for my hair, which is another story altogether. Aside from that, I guess I'm a few gifts richer, I suppose.
Well, one of those gifts came from one of my best friends. Now let me tell you a little bit about her first. She's the vainest person I have ever met. And I'm not exaggerating. Whenever she's in front of a mirror, no matter where it is, someone will have to pull her away to stop her from staring. But I'm telling you, she has all the right to gawk at herself - she's gorgeous. Oh damn, if she reads this, her ego will burst through the ceiling. Oh well. Anyways, she's also really smart. She was part of the top ten in our high school batch. Beauty and brains, she's the complete package. Well, because of that brain of hers she got into one of the best universities in the country. (We were SUPPOSED to go to the same school, but she liked the course she got into there than the one at my school.) So she's now taking up philosophy.
Philosophy is the course of the atheists, well most of them. What with all the critical thinking and stuff, how could you NOT doubt godly beings? I've experienced these doubts firsthand, so I know how it's like to not believe. I mean, if you listen to the logic, it kinda makes sense. So after two years of my best friend being exposed to over-thinking, she is now having some doubts. When I asked her what her religion was lately, she told me "almost atheist". That's not good, is it?
But who am I to force someone to believe in what I do? I don't like it when people make choices for me, so I also wouldn't want to be a hypocrite. I didn't lecture her or anything. I guess the most I could do for her now is to pray that she comes back.
Now that you got a glimpse of who my best friend is, let's go back to my birthday present. It was a small, red box that looked like it contains some kind of jewelry. It had a red ribbon tied on to it, and the lid comes all the way off. It was one of the last few presents that I opened that day. And when I lifted the lid, I saw a small pendant in the shape of a cross. Yep, that came from my "almost atheist" best friend. My first reaction to it was "how ironic to get a cross from someone who doesn't believe".
But then my best friend went up to me and said, "I want you to put this pendant on your necklace so that whenever you see it, you'll remember me. And that you will be reminded to keep your faith strong, unlike what happened to me." At that moment, I couldn't help but smile because of what I heard.
When you hear homesick, you'd probably think I meant that I missed my home. Meeeh, not really. Actually, it's kinda the opposite. When I'm home, I'm sick of it.
I'm REALLY confused right now. My debut is coming up in less than a month, and my mom is busy with preparations. And by preparations, I mean invitations here, giveaways there. The entire "kitchen" is filled with Disney related stuff. And when I saw all of the things my mom was doing to make my party a success, I admit that I almost cried. I don't really like my mom and stuff, so it feels weird when I see her putting so much effort into something for me. I mean, I usually see her not really caring about what I'm doing and stuff. So the part of me that sees all of the work she put into this is super affected. It makes me wanna rethink how I see my mom.
The only problem is when I'm out alone with her. Sure, we may not be at each other's throats anymore like before, but sometimes I wish it were like that instead. My mom doesn't argue with me as much, but now it's more with my dad. We were talking a bit about how my mom got my dad a plane ticket to America for 1. In my head, I was thinking Aww, she wants my dad to have a vacation. That's so sweet. But when I asked her, she told me it was because she wanted to get away from my dad for a bit. Okay, that kinda ruined it for me. Even in the car ride back home, she went on and on about how "lucky" my dad is that she's so nice, or else she would have left him already. I wonder if a parent really should be telling that kind of stuff to their teenage daughter that has emotional issues.
That's why I hate it here. I really can't have just ONE weekend here at home when I don't cry because of something, be it an argument or something like this. I just can't stand it. But there is one thing I'm sure of though. If my parents DO separate *knocks on wood*, I'm not gonna stick around. I'd rather stay in Manila by myself than choose a side. If that happens, I won't have a home to be sick of anymore.
Have you ever felt left out? No, not just left out. But totally disregarded? Sucks, right?
Imagine a group of seven friends. If asked to group themselves into groups of three, what happens? Come on, recall your elementary mathematics. 7/3 = 2 1/3. So what is the fate of that one-third that's leftover? Here's what happens: nothing. Who cares about that fraction if there's already two complete groups?
Being the odd one out is very... depressing. I've noticed that when groups are required, no one ever goes to me first. I'm usually one of the fillers if there are too few in a group, or maybe the one people go to when everyone else is taken. Why is that? Am I too weird? Too stupid? Too small? Too different? Is that so wrong?
Lots of people like to sleepover at my condo. It's kinda like a second home to some. But what I hate the most is when there are a lot of us sleeping in my unit, but I end up sleeping alone. Yes, I like to be alone, but that's only when I'm actually alone. When I'm with others, I want to really be with them. I love it when a friend sleeps over and we get to sleep side by side. I really don't care who it is. (Okay fine, it still matters on who they are. But I'm usually really close to those who stay overnight.) It makes be feel less lonely than I actually am. But when there are a whole bunch of us here, I don't wanna end up sleeping alone on the sofa while everyone else is on the beds. The nearest person to me would be a good 3 meters away. And seeing that my condo isn't that big, that's pretty far away.
Even during breaks, people somehow seem to forget that the condo they're going to stay at is mine. They all go off to buy food while I'm left in the classroom fixing my stuff. When I walk out the door, I'm met by an empty hallway. So I have to find my way to my condo by myself and wait for them all to arrive. When they get there, they all have food with them, and I'm stuck cooking instant noodles cause I didn't know where they went to buy food.
Alright, the points I have been making are pretty shallow, but weeks of these events happened over and over again eventually gets to a person. So here I am, blabbing on about how I hate being left behind. At least my friends won't hear all this straight from my own mouth.
And here's one of my favorite songs that totally matches the point of this post. Enjoy! :)
It's already the start of a new year already. Is it just me, or did 2012 go by fast? Well I started of the year by myself, but I'm kinda used to it. Since I know that people around here don't actually start celebrating new years right on the dot, I decided to step outside 15 minutes before midnight. I went upstairs and onto the terrace, and I decided to just stand there and wait for the new year to come in. I stood alone, unsure of which direction to face. A few random fireworks had already started lighting up the night sky, so I had something to keep me busy. After a few more minutes had passed, the bigger displays started up. I was surrounded by light. A few sparks flashed from across the waters in Sangley Point. More shot up from the opposite direction. Honestly, I thought that those lights were breathtaking, no matter how repetitive they were. I dunno if it's cause I was alone or what. Actually, this is my first new years that I spent by myself. Usually, I have at least my family up with me. This year, they were all fast asleep as the clock struck twelve. But I didn't worry about it at the time. I was too preoccupied with the light show. When I turned towards Manila bay, I could see the whole horizon covered with small fireworks. Just watching those flashes put a smile on my face, up to the point that I started tearing up.
Even though I started the year alone, I didn't feel alone. I'm not sure that's such a good sign, but I feel like 2013 is gonna be good to me. I hope my feelings are right. :)
After an entire term of hell, it all comes down to this. Standing by to see my final grades flashed on the screen. I'm not expecting much actually. I already know what subject I failed. The rest, I would settle for just passing. But who am I to blame but myself? I knew I was in trouble the minute I got back my first set of quizzes from my professors, but I didn't do anything to change that. I continued with letting my mind wander during class. Honestly, I deserve to fail almost all of my classes. That's why when I learned that I passed all but one, I figured that was good enough.
Back when I was in elementary, I would NEVER settle for 'good enough'. I wanted to be the best. I would memorize paragraphs in my textbooks, practice my reports at home, and actually give some effort. Now, I wonder what happened to the me back then. She probably got lost somewhere. Cause if you compare me back then and now, it's like two totally different girls. I've changed. I became rebellious. I became impatient.
I don't like how much I've changed. My standards went from the top all the way to average. So I'm gonna try to change back to how I was before. I'm gonna make an effort. I'm gonna study, take notes, and review. I WILL change back. And I will prove that I can do this. Two failures is enough, I don't wanna add to that. This time, I won't settle for 'good enough'.
Welcome to hell week! This is the last week we are allowed to take exams before the finals, so all of our classes have our last test within the span of this week. In just three days, we have four different exams, all of which are math related. Imagine that. A week full of numbers and theorems to memorize and understand. How stressful can a student's life get? Well it is our last push to pull up our grades before the finals, so everybody's serious. Well, almost everybody.
They've been having group study sessions almost everyday now. Last night they even stayed in Starbucks to study until the store closed. Honestly, I'm not really the 'group study' type of person. I find it much easier to study alone in my room while I listen to random music. I can't stand studying in a quiet room with just my notes and papers in front of me. I like to play games and surf the net while studying, contrary to what most of my classmates are used to. I'm just not compatible to study with the likes of them. And I say it's totally fine.
Another problem with me is that I rarely study before midnight. I find it hard to understand and absorb what I'm studying if it's too early (for my standards that is). But I hate being alone, so I still tag along to the study groups just for the company. But lately I guess that's being a little too selfish. I guess you can say that I'm just a distraction to them. While they're all busy reviewing, I'm playing games that have sharp sound effects. And if I'm not playing, I'm usually talking or sleeping. The sleeping part isn't too bad for them, but apparently I should learn to keep my mouth shut more. I guess I'm just naturally annoying. And now I kinda get why a lot of people don't like me. Well it's not like they tell me to my face that they dislike me (with the exception to a few souls that I truly appreciate for their honesty), but I can tell by the vibes they emit when I'm around. Maybe it's just my existence in general that irritates them, but I'm not sure.
So I guess I should just shut up and lay low for the next two weeks since finals are just around the corner. I don't want people to hate me more than they already do. I guess I just won't tag along to their study groups for a while. I prefer being alone than having people get mad at me. I'll just have some more alone time for myself.
The second part of the mini series titled Faith Factor started off with praise and worship as usual. The songs played included Cornerstone, No Compromise, Go, With Us, and Hosanna. I really recommend listening to these songs. :)
When we sat down, they had a couple members of the music team come up on stage to sing a special number. Now normally I don't pay much attention to the songs they sing during this time, but they shocked me by singing a song that I know and love. It's called What Faith Can Do by Kutless, which I'll post here so that if someone sees this blog, they can listen to this great song. :)
Afterwards, the speaker came up on stage and gave a short recap of what went on during the first part of the series. She then stated the main point of the night: Faith that accelerates.
When you look in a dictionary, you can find that the definition of the word 'accelerate' means to cause greater activity, development, progress. In physics, it even has its own law that is given by the formula F=ma, meaning that force is the product of mass and acceleration. You can tweak that formula so that you can derive the acceleration so it becomes a=F/m. We can give F and m a different definition though, so that this formula would mean 'Acceleration is faith in motion'. The main verse of the night was
"By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going."
Hebrews 11:8
Notice that the verse started off with the words 'by faith', which is the entire topic of the series. Actually, the entire verse pretty much described what faith really is. And if the verse isn't enough, there's also an acronym to remind us of the meaning:
Forsaking All I Trust Him
I guess you can say that this acronym pretty much summarizes the meaning of faith in a nutshell. Another verse was stated that helped to paint the picture.
31 Terah took his son Abram, his grandson Lot son of Haran, and his daughter-in-law Sarai, the wife of his son Abram, and together they set out from Ur of the Chaldeans to go to Canaan. But when they came to Harran, they settled there. 32 Terah lived 205 years, and he died in Harran.
Genesis 11:31-32
As you can see, they stayed in Harran for a pretty long time. They didn't rush themselves or anything, but just decided to wait. That tells us that 'times of waiting helps up depend on Him and trust his timing.'
Back to the main verse, we find that Abraham was 'called' to go off to a far place. When we go back to the book of Genesis, we can find the story of the call of Abram.
1 The Lord had said to Abram, “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you.
2 I will make you into a great nation, and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing.
3 I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you.”
Genesis 12:1-3
Take note that in this passage, God says the phrase 'I will' a total of six times. These are all of the promises that God made to Abram should he follow. And when God wills it, he fulfills it.
God told Abram to 'go to a place' that he would 'receive as his inheritance'. That means that it is another one of God's promises to him. But if you were in Abram's shoes, would you follow? If someone were to suddenly tell you that they'll give you a piece of land that is far away if you went there, would you really go without hesitation? The world today is filled with doubt. There's a chance that the promise someone makes with you won't be fulfilled. But are you willing to take that chance and go? Going back in the bible, we find this verse:
6 Abram traveled through the land as far as the site of the great tree of Moreh at Shechem. At that time the Canaanites were in the land. 7 The Lord appeared to Abram and said, “To your offspring I will give this land.” So he built an altar there to the Lord, who had appeared to him.
Genesis 12:6-7
In this verse, we can see that Abraham built an altar. An alter is a symbol of devotion, so his act of building an alter shows his gratitude towards God. If you think about it, he has already gone a long way, yet he still works to show God how thankful he is. It is faith in motion that fuels our prayer and devotion.
The last main bit of the verse has the most impact. It is the part where he 'obeyed and went, even though'. I'm pretty sure almost everyone has a hard time to do something if there are a few details missing. When was the last time you knew you had something to do and you did it without hesitation? Normally when we know we have to do something or go somewhere, we would first ask questions like 'How can I be sure that will happen?' or 'What if I can't do it?' and that is totally natural. Many people like to be certain of things before acting. But when you follow someone's command without question, you have faith that you will still get your reward. Which gives us the lesson 'obey and go, even if we do not know'.
With this said, another speaker came up on stage. She shared with us another verse. 5
5 Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure.
6 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.
Psalm 16:5-6
She then told us about all of the hardships she was going through, She spoke about how stressed she was because of exams and tests, how much pressure she had on herself, and of the sacrifices that she had to make. But the main point that she highlighted in the verses she cited was 'surely I have a delightful inheritance'. That short phrase showed that God will reward us for our hardships; all we have to do is have faith.
After this, the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision: “Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward.”
Genesis 15:1
She then concluded her testimony by giving a few tips.
Put your faith on who, not on what - This means we have faith on God, not the result, for God is always there no matter what the result is.
Pray
Keep His word in your heart
The main discussion continued with a verse about what happened to Abram after going off to Canaan.
"Now there was a famine in the land, and Abram went down to Egypt to live there for a while because the famine was severe."
Genesis 12:10
The specific term used was 'famine', which meant a severe shortage of food. This was a major hardship in Abram's life, so he had to find refuge in Egypt. Even though he went to a different place, God still provided for him. For him, Egypt was a place of comfort. The problem is that Canaan is the promised land, not Egypt. That means Abram had to make a decision of whether to go back to Canaan or stay in Egypt where he lived comfortly. The thing is, when we run to Egypt, we are cowards. We are literally running away from our problems. We don't follow God's orders just so that we could live without a certain issue bothering us. But ask yourself - is that the right thing to do? I'm pretty sure every single one of us has run away from the path that God made for us for our own selfish needs. But if we read on, we find that Abraham still went back to Canaan. In the end, he still came back to God, which is exactly what we should do in that kind of situation.
God has no plan B. Everything that happens to us, God has willed it. Whether it be good or bad, God is still the one that wrote our story. If it is for good, we are blessed. Even if its bad, that's just God's way of saying that he has better in store for us. Nothing is an accident.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11
20 Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, 21 being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.
Romans 4:20-21
The condition of your faith does not just affect you. It affects others. It affects the world. How you view your world gives a great insight as to the condition of your faith. Your perspective in turn affects how you act, not just when you're alone, but also when you're around others. And those acts will also affect the world around you.
"...fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."
Hebrews 12:2
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith. This is a reminder that Jesus in the foundation of our faith. He is at the center of everything. So as long as we keep our eyes on him, we can have faith in Him.
"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."
Hebrews 11:1
Jesus is the Foundation of a Faith that Accelerates.
How would you feel if you gave someone a gift that you had planned for them for months, just to have them turn you down? What if that particular gift was worth 2 weeks of your allowance, meaning you could barely eat just to save up for it? Now what if it was your own mother who turned you down? Ouch right?
I know I'm not the best daughter in the world, but hearing something like that hurts. I go to give her my gift, and she tells me 'I'd rather you helped out instead of a gift'. Ugh, how am I supposed to help out if no one woke me up? It's like I'm repeating stuff from my Family post again.
Come on, I know my mistakes. I know where I went wrong. But this is just too much. Aside from being yelled at by my dad to wake up a little after 2PM, I get my gift rejected. I need a hug. Or a family. Or a family to hug. Cause I obviously don't have one of those.
Whenever I get something for some of my friends, the first thing that comes out of their mouths is a 'thank you'. And that's before even opening it. They're grateful without even knowing what it is they're receiving. Then I also get an occasional hug if they really like what they got. Why can't my own family do that? See, my friends are my REAL family.
I'm gonna keep this post short, since I still have to get ready for my mom's party. Anyways, I just wanna say happy birthday to my mom, even though I know she won't read this. Don't worry. I still love you.
This is a very late post, but it's better late than never. Unight had a series break composed of two meetings. It was pretty much all about faith, which is a pretty big topic on its own. I just figured that I should write about it. So here's the first installment of the mini-series. :)
The night began with praise and worship, and I recommend listening to the songs to get into the mood. The song list for the night included Nothing is Impossible, Search My Heart, Higher, and With Us. As we took our seats, they mentioned this verse that was a perfect way to start the series.
"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."
Hebrews 11:1
As the actual discusion started, they cited a few verses that got me thinking.
6 “Therefore, say to the Israelites: ‘I am the Lord, and I will bring you out from under the yoke of the Egyptians. I will free you from being slaves to them, and I will redeem you with an outstretched arm and with mighty acts of judgment.7 I will take you as my own people, and I will be your God. Then you will know that I am the Lord your God, who brought you out from under the yoke of the Egyptians. 8 And I will bring you to the land I swore with uplifted hand to give to Abraham, to Isaac and to Jacob. I will give it to you as a possession. I am the Lord.’”
9 Moses reported this to the Israelites, but they did not listen to him because of their discouragement and harsh labor.
10 Then the Lord said to Moses, 11 “Go, tell Pharaoh king of Egypt to let the Israelites go out of his country.”
12 But Moses said to the Lord, “If the Israelites will not listen to me, why would Pharaoh listen to me, since I speak with faltering lips?”
Exodus 6:6-12
Take note of the term 'faltering lips' in the last verse. It shows that even Moses was hesitant to do as God told him. The truth is, we all are. There are just some instances that even though we know what God wants us to do, we just can't find it in us to follow. That's normal for anyone, so it isn't something to be ashamed of. And if ever that time comes, God will find a way for us. In the next verse, we can see that happen.
1 Then the Lord said to Moses, “See, I have made you like God to Pharaoh, and your brother Aaron will be your prophet. 2 You are to say everything I command you, and your brother Aaron is to tell Pharaoh to let the Israelites go out of his country.
Exodus 7:1-2
We then skip years and years of the story to find Moses again, though much older.
24 By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be known as the son of Pharaoh’s daughter. 25 He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin.
Hebrews 11:24-25
Moses did something that normal people wouldn't do. If you were given a title as grand as being the son/daughter of someone famous, wouldn't you want to boast about it? Instead, he chose to be mistreated instead of living in a life of luxury. He'd rather miss out on those privileges to be among other people of God. Which brings us to our main point. We have to learn to surrender our comfort zones. We have to step out of our safe zone if that is what God wants from us. We should be able to give ourselves up entirely to God. That includes the parts of our lives that we want to ourselves.
Many people follow God passionately, but only up to a certain point. For example, you're willing to commit yourself to going to church every week, BUT only if you don't have any prior plans with friends. There's always that "but" that hinders us from following God fully. We're willing to give up so much, except for that one aspect in your life. Now this could be different from person to person. It could be academics, family, friends, habits, hobbies, etc. The possibilities are limitless. It's because we find a sense of reassurance if we have control over a part of our lives. That's why we might be hesitant to let go of something. That's what we have to change. We have to learn to let go of everything for God, even if that means stepping out of our comfort zone. When we take that step out into the open, that is what you call faith.
Aside from our comfort zones, we also have weaknesses that may make us hesitant. You might think "I don't have any useful talent. I can't sing, dance, speak, or socialize. God can't use me.", but you're wrong about that. God will still use us, despite our weaknesses. God gave each and every one of us a talent of their own. It's just up to us to discover that talent so that you can use it.
For those that have already found their talent, another problem arises that stops us from being used by God. Time. We might find our schedules to be too hectic to be able to do anything. We might find ourselves facing the books the entire day, or busy working until the sun sets. But here's the thing: busyness is not an issue - Are you going to make time? What is just ten minutes from your crowded schedule? If you could find time to check your Facebook notifications, you could also find time to read a couple verses from the bible. You could find time to just close your eyes and have a short conversation with God. You could find time to pray. It's just a few minutes everyday. Is that really too much? Aside from surrendering our comfort zones, we should also learn to surrender our time.
Think of it this way. What do you have? You have a family, a home, the clothes on your back, the food that you eat, the money that you spend, the time that you live, and so much more. And where did all of those come from? No, not your parents. They all came from God. He was the one that gave us food when we were hungry, clothes when we were cold, and more. So how bad is it to just give a little back? Our understanding of what God rendered, gives us faith that surrenders.
"...since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect."
Hebrews 11:40
So all we really have to do is have faith in whatever God has in store for use. Faith produces surrender in our lives.
"...fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."
I don't know whether I should be sad, amused, or annoyed by how my friends keep teasing me. They'll ask me if it still hurts, if I'm over you. What else am I supposed to answer other than the truth? I tell them I am, but the problem is that no one believes me. Alright, I admit it, even I don't believe myself at times. But I just don't feel it anymore. I'm not sure if it's because we don't talk anymore or what. You know, it's kinda hard to love someone you don't even talk to anymore, even if it's unrequited. It's like saying your favorite food is mashed potatoes when the last time you ate it was when you were seven years old. I guess you can still say it's your favorite, but who knows? Maybe your taste buds have changed within that time frame. Or maybe it's the food that changed.
Remember our old promises? Now that I think of it, I guess they were just on the spur of the moment, but a promise is still a promise. One of those promises occurred when we were still hiding stuff from each other. We then decided to make a promise: No secrets. Ever since then, we had become closer. We no longer had to hide anything. We kept through with our promise. But look at us now. Do you ever wonder how much you don't know about me anymore? Do you ever think about how much I've changed since we drifted apart? I know I still think about you and this promise. I think about what were the things you would've shared to me. What would you have said? Would you have told me where you went and what you did? I don't mean to be clingy, I'm just making a point. If you ask me now, I wouldn't even be sure if you had stayed in your house the entire vacation or what.
Another promise is a big one. Before we even went into our relationship, we were really close, especially for people that have only know each other for five months. I even told you secrets that I didn't dare tell my best friends. You were that important to me back then. I even considered you as a best friend too. I don't know if you still remember this, but I made you promise that no matter what happens to us, we would still be friends. Nothing is to change that. Short and simple. When we had just broken up, I was kinda afraid that things would be different between us. I was relieved to find that everything was still the same, minus the title. We even went to the mall together the day after our break up. And that was totally fine with me. It gave me the reassurance that I needed to see that everything would turn out right in the end. But boy, was I wrong. After a few months, we almost got back together. But then I find out that you found someone better. So I left you two alone. It was fine at first. You would still talk to me once in a while to update me. But I noticed that after my birthday, almost all communication had stopped. It was cause she got jealous easily. At least I still understood that. But now, I just don't get it. Did that mean we couldn't be friends anymore? It's funny actually. I even recall you apologizing. What was that for? 'I'm sorry, but I can't be friends with you anymore'? What's up with that? I understood the part about you having to make space between us, but this is just exaggerating.
The last promise that I remember is one that I knew you would break, but not like this. It's the typical "I'm never going to leave you, I promise" bit. By the time you said that, I knew that it was coming. That was the time that we were getting into constant arguments over nothing in particular. I was bracing myself for the worst back then. I just kept telling myself that you'll still be by my side even if we ending up breaking up. BUZZ!! Wrong again. Aside from talking, we don't even see each other anymore. What a bummer. I know, I know. It's all because you love her so much. I get it. It shows. You love her so much that you're willing to sacrifice your friends because of her. You know what? "Our" group of friends were together for two weeks in a row already. I just decided not to invite you since I knew it would just be a waste of breath. Of course you wouldn't go. Even if I ask your friends, they would already know your answer without going to you first. So yeah. I guess you have left me. Not just as a lover, but also as someone I knew.
If by any chance you're reading this, I'm sorry. I know all of this sounds offending, but I'm not writing this to get you pissed. I just wanted to be able to let all this out. I've been keeping this in for who knows how long. Long story short, I miss you. Don't worry, I am TOTALLY OVER YOU. (Okay, maybe 95%, but that's as close as I can get.) It's my friend that I miss. My best friend. The guy I told all of my secrets to. The guy who knew just what to say to make me smile again. My Kuya. I just want him back into my life. I don't care about being anything big and important in your life anymore though. I just want to be able to call you my friend again. That's all I'm asking. You know, the occasional "How are you?" would be fine. That's it. Is that really too much to ask? And I just wanna say, I love you. No, not in the romantic sense. And I don't think I can still call you a friend in this situation. So I love you as a stranger. Is that okay?
Just the other day, I got a full on sermon by my mom and dad. They went on and on about how I didn't talk to them with respect, how I'm asleep when they're awake, how I'm awake while they're asleep, and how I prioritize my friends over my family. While they went on and on about my actions, my mind was racing with things I wished I could tell them to their face. But I'm not that mean. I couldn't bring myself to tell them off and say that this is all their fault.
I know I don't talk with respect. I rarely do. My parents aren't exceptions to that. I mean, how am I supposed to respect them if they themselves can't do it to each other or even to me. I know they ARE my parents and they deserve respect, but that's not really what they're showing. They don't make themselves respectable. Would you consider respecting a couple you see outside, fighting and screaming curses at each other at 100 mph? What more if you see someone calling their own kid a son of a bitch? And how about if these curses and swears were directed at you? And for the cherry on top, imagine your own parents being the ones calling you an "anak ng puta". Would you really find the time to respect them?
They also started complaining about how I "never had time for them". They would say that they wanted to eat breakfast together, but I would have been asleep until lunch. "Kung gusto, may paraan" means If there's a will, there's a way. I've always wondered why they didn't just wake me up. If family bonding was so important to them, why didn't they show it with their actions? And if ever I do wake up early enough for it to be considered breakfast, we don't really eat together. I eat at the dining table, my dad brings his food to the living room, and my mom, well I never get to see her eat. She usually eats before or after everybody else. Even my little brother eats his food in his playroom.
When they tried to make me feel guilty by playing the "You spend more time with your friends than us" card, I had to bite my tongue. I really wanted to talk back and tell them what I felt, but I knew that would have been going too far. In my head, I was tempted to just tell them straight out that my friends are more like family to me than they were. Whenever I needed help or someone to talk to, they would be there for me, no matter how busy they were. They would be able to tell when I had something on my mind. They knew me better than anyone else. Honestly, my parents don't know anything about me. Or if they know anything, it wouldn't be much. They don't know what I do during the day. They don't know how I feel when I see them fighting. They probably don't even know what my favorite type of music is. But my friends know better. See, my friends ARE my family. That's why there's no wondering why I prioritize them over me locking myself in my bedroom the entire weekend with no one to talk to.
And lately, I get a bunch of texts from my mom saying how she wants to move out and leave my dad. Really? Our family is already messed up as it is, and now I have way more on my plate than I can handle. Sometimes, I just wish that we didn't have all this money and power. I wish that we were just an average family that actually acts the part. I think that's what I really need now.
