Tell me

Here I go again. Another completely random and unpredictable moment when I drown myself in all of the negative feelings I've apparently been keeping it all to myself for a while. I guess without myself even knowing, it just suddenly overflowed. Well, I guess I have nothing else to do but to talk to no one in particular until the bad feelings go away. It's not like I have anyone else I wanna bother in particular.

I feel like shit.

Yeah, I guess that's the most accurate statement as to the whirlpool of emotions that I am currently trapped within. I feel like I can't do anything worth doing anymore. I can't answer phones. I can't buy from small shops. I can't cross the street.

I can't.

Well, it's either I can't, or I don't think I can. I keep making stupid excuses for not learning new things like riding a bike, getting my license, and more. I sometimes even have this bad habit of blaming my parents for never leaving me alone so I could never try something new. I just feel like this failure of a girl that keeps laughing off her problems by making them out as jokes.

I need someone.

I need someone to tell me otherwise. To tell me I'm not a failure and that I'll be fine. To tell me that everyone goes through this sort of existential crisis at one point or another as to their purpose in life, and that I'm not alone in this. Or even someone to smack the truth into me so that I know I need to change. I don't really know what I want. I just need someone to talk to.

And I don't wanna do what other do like posting out in public that they need attention like those annoying attention whores. I don't want people to look at me and think 'oh, she just wants people to tell her she's smart, talented, etc.'. I don't want that. I just want to be accepted. I want people to tell me, but I don't wanna tell anyone what I need. So in the end, I just went in a circle and solved nothing. Sure, I have my few best friends, but I don't want them to worry about me any more than they have to. I wanna be strong too. I just don't know how I'm supposed to get up in the first place.

I feel so confused. I need help. I don't want help. It's like my ego is protecting something this trivial. Anyhow, if anyone I know ends up reading this, just don't mention it. I'll probably be fine by the time anyone notices this post anyways. Just a small tip though. Leave little hints that I actually mean something. I would definitely appreciate that. :) So I guess this entire post was just me letting out whatever I felt. I guess that's how almost all of my posts are. Sorry about the long ranting.

Sleepless Mornings

I'm back after months of doing this and that. Hey, at least I have an excuse. I've just been so busy with... life, I guess? Well, since my last post, I have...

• Defended and submitted my thesis
• GRADUATED (O.O)
• Gotten a boyfriend ♥
• Figured out how antisocial I really am
• Gotten a lot fatter -_-
• A new phone (since my old phone just decided to die)
• Been addicted with a sorta new game for iPhones and stuff (Summoner's War: Sky Arena)
• Listened to my mom ranting about her marriage multiple times
• Pondered the meaning of life
• And more that I can't really remember

Does that make me productive? Or is this list relatively short for the span of time I had? Well, I guess it is kinda bad that quite a few items on the list are negative. So I guess I wasn't as productive as a hoped for. I'm not surprised. I'm not that productive in the first place anyways.

Well as to why I suddenly decided to revive my blog is cause for the past week or two, I've had a total flip on my body clock. I honestly can't remember the last time I was able to sleep before 2AM. The norm for me nowadays is to lie in bed around 2:30 and just... shut my eyes. I'm not really asleep, so I don't feel rested in the slightest, and I end up opening my eyes again to see that it's around 4AM. Look at all that wasted time. I drift to sleep a little past 4, but end up waking up late into the day at around 3PM. By that time, I would've missed breakfast and lunch, so I eat a lunch/dinner hybrid. See how messed up my clock is? So now, I'm just trying not to sleep yet so that I might be able to sleep earlier in the night. I really hope this works.

So whenever I'm just lying in bed, I end up over-thinking how useless I've become. I figure that if my parents ever do end up breaking up, I don't have enough life skills of common sense to survive. I don't know how to cross the street, commute, talk on the phone, buy stuff from anywhere that's not in a mall, ride a bike, ride a car, exercise, and more. See? If someone plopped me in the middle of town somewhere, I'd most probably end up either a beggar or even dying there. Sad, isn't it? 

So what about all this ranting? Well, I'm gonna use this as a reason for me to actually start doing something with my life. I don't wanna keep having all these dull moments anymore. I wanna be able to actually do something with my life. I don't wanna be an old joe shmoe. I wanna be someone that does things that she could boast to her kids and grandkids. So far, I'm not doing so good, but I know that I'm still too young to give up. I'm not even 20 years old yet. A lot can change in 5, 10, or 20 years. I'm not gonna give up yet. So I guess I'll take it one step at a time.

That means that as a first step, I need to... get some sleep.

I'm the sister nobody wants

I'm the spoiled little sister that has to get what I want.

I'm the mean older sister that wants to be the "bunso" of the family again.

I'm the sister that is too awkward to be able to keep up a conversation.

I'm the sister that isn't noticed, but wants to be.

I'm the sister that wants to get closer to her siblings, but can't find it in herself to take the first step, to make the first move. I'm stuck with reading posts and conversations about my family treating others more like family than they do me. I'm the attention whore sister that wants to be in the middle of it all. But I can't do anything about it.

I wish I could do more. I wish I could tell them I that I really like talking with them. But I can't. I just can't. So I end up forgotten. Replaced. I see others being treated more as a sister than I am. I just pretend not to notice. I pretend it's alright.

I'm the sister that nobody wants. I can't do anything except make a mess of everything that others have to clean up after. Maybe that's why nobody wants to be responsible of me. I'm just another to feed. I'm just another face in the family reunion. I'm just there, but at the same time not. 

Yeah, I probably fail at being a sister. Everybody can imagine the perfect sister as the one that will run to you at random times just to say that she missed you. The cute little girl that knows how to say how she feels. But I'm nowhere near that. I hold everything in, waiting for the time that my siblings remember me.

And now I'm just stuck thinking, My brother never talked to me like that before. My sister never taught me how to dress up. My little brother never actually looked up to me before. 

I never did anything for them either.