Insecurities

Have you ever made fun of someone about something? Like how they dress? How they walk? How they talk? How fat they are? I'm sure almost everyone is guilty, even if there aren't any ill intentions. But have you ever noticed how they react to your words? Do they smile? Do they laugh? Or do they just sigh and ignore it? I don't mean to be a hypocrite, but I can say that even I don't notice these little details. But have you ever wondered what they are thinking of on the receiving end?

Imagine this. You post a new photo of yourself as a display picture. Suddenly, you're surprised because you got a notification that someone commented on your picture. When you click on it, you read comments about how fat you are and how much weight you've gained. You try to joke around with them, telling them off. Then one of your friends comments on how the extra weight suits you, so you say your thanks. After a week, you end up changing your picture to a drawing that your friend made of you. Coincidence? Nah.

How about at school? You greet your friend every time you see him with a poke to the tummy, and he responds by poking back. It's all good until he switches from poking to pinching. Suddenly, you would feel more exposed. Being pinched just reminds you of how much weight you've actually gained.

You may think that I'm thinking too negatively about this, but from my background, it's more understandable. The truth is, back when I was a little kid, I was as fat as... let's just say I was round. If you have the means to stalk me and look at my old photos, you would see that. In America, it was fine. Actually, being chubby was kinda like the norm. But when I moved, everything changed. Almost all of my classmates were petite and skinny. It made me different. After a few years, when I had made some guy friends, they didn't hesitate to tell me straight out that I had some excess fats in my sides. Those small comments made me more conscious.

At first, it's fairly easy to just ignore and laugh off the comments people make. I'd even agree with them. But after a while, all of the words and actions against me kept building up inside me. It's kinda hard for someone like me to keep all this to herself. And I'm really not the type of person that tells others what's on my mind (if that wasn't obvious enough from my past posts). So that's kinda why I'm typing this right now.

But of course, it isn't enough to just stay still. I want to get rid of what they're teasing me about. So I'm TRYING to lose weight. I honestly don't know if that's a good idea though. Before, I was considered underweight, so the few pounds I gained recently is actually a plus to my health. But if it means that people will laugh at me for it, I think it would be better to just lose the extra weight.

Of course losing weight wouldn't be easy. Since this term was so hectic, I can't find the time to exercise regularly. So instead, I'm trying to reduce how much I eat. I'm not allowed to miss meals like before, but instead I'm just eating less. Less food means less spending, so I get to save money in the process. Sounds like a good deal to me. Hey, at least that's all I'm doing. Some people go as far as making themselves throw up just to lose weight.

So I guess this is just one big example to what I had in mind. Everybody has their own insecurities, whether they'll admit it or not. But it's up to all of us to realize those and be sensitive about it.