Grateful

How would you feel if you gave someone a gift that you had planned for them for months, just to have them turn you down? What if that particular gift was worth 2 weeks of your allowance, meaning you could barely eat just to save up for it? Now what if it was your own mother who turned you down? Ouch right?

I know I'm not the best daughter in the world, but hearing something like that hurts. I go to give her my gift, and she tells me 'I'd rather you helped out instead of a gift'. Ugh, how am I supposed to help out if no one woke me up? It's like I'm repeating stuff from my Family post again.

Come on, I know my mistakes. I know where I went wrong. But this is just too much. Aside from being yelled at by my dad to wake up a little after 2PM, I get my gift rejected. I need a hug. Or a family. Or a family to hug. Cause I obviously don't have one of those.

Whenever I get something for some of my friends, the first thing that comes out of their mouths is a 'thank you'. And that's before even opening it. They're grateful without even knowing what it is they're receiving. Then I also get an occasional hug if they really like what they got. Why can't my own family do that? See, my friends are my REAL family.

I'm gonna keep this post short, since I still have to get ready for my mom's party. Anyways, I just wanna say happy birthday to my mom, even though I know she won't read this. Don't worry. I still love you.

Faith Factor: Surrender

This is a very late post, but it's better late than never. Unight had a series break composed of two meetings. It was pretty much all about faith, which is a pretty big topic on its own. I just figured that I should write about it. So here's the first installment of the mini-series. :)

The night began with praise and worship, and I recommend listening to the songs to get into the mood. The song list for the night included Nothing is Impossible, Search My Heart, Higher, and With Us. As we took our seats, they mentioned this verse that was a perfect way to start the series.

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."

Hebrews 11:1

As the actual discusion started, they cited a few verses that got me thinking.

6 “Therefore, say to the Israelites: ‘I am the Lord, and I will bring you out from under the yoke of the Egyptians. I will free you from being slaves to them, and I will redeem you with an outstretched arm and with mighty acts of judgment.7 I will take you as my own people, and I will be your God. Then you will know that I am the Lord your God, who brought you out from under the yoke of the Egyptians. 8 And I will bring you to the land I swore with uplifted hand to give to Abraham, to Isaac and to Jacob. I will give it to you as a possession. I am the Lord.’”

9 Moses reported this to the Israelites, but they did not listen to him because of their discouragement and harsh labor.

10 Then the Lord said to Moses, 11 “Go, tell Pharaoh king of Egypt to let the Israelites go out of his country.”

12 But Moses said to the Lord, “If the Israelites will not listen to me, why would Pharaoh listen to me, since I speak with faltering lips?”

Exodus 6:6-12

Take note of the term 'faltering lips' in the last verse. It shows that even Moses was hesitant to do as God told him. The truth is, we all are. There are just some instances that even though we know what God wants us to do, we just can't find it in us to follow. That's normal for anyone, so it isn't something to be ashamed of. And if ever that time comes, God will find a way for us. In the next verse, we can see that happen.

1 Then the Lord said to Moses, “See, I have made you like God to Pharaoh, and your brother Aaron will be your prophet. 2 You are to say everything I command you, and your brother Aaron is to tell Pharaoh to let the Israelites go out of his country.

Exodus 7:1-2

We then skip years and years of the story to find Moses again, though much older. 

24 By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be known as the son of Pharaoh’s daughter. 25 He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin.

Hebrews 11:24-25

Moses did something that normal people wouldn't do. If you were given a title as grand as being the son/daughter of someone famous, wouldn't you want to boast about it? Instead, he chose to be mistreated instead of living in a life of luxury. He'd rather miss out on those privileges to be among other people of God. Which brings us to our main point. We have to learn to surrender our comfort zones. We have to step out of our safe zone if that is what God wants from us. We should be able to give ourselves up entirely to God. That includes the parts of our lives that we want to ourselves.

Many people follow God passionately, but only up to a certain point. For example, you're willing to commit yourself to going to church every week, BUT only if you don't have any prior plans with friends. There's always that "but" that hinders us from following God fully. We're willing to give up so much, except for that one aspect in your life. Now this could be different from person to person. It could be academics, family, friends, habits, hobbies, etc. The possibilities are limitless. It's because we find a sense of reassurance if we have control over a part of our lives. That's why we might be hesitant to let go of something. That's what we have to change. We have to learn to let go of everything for God, even if that means stepping out of our comfort zone. When we take that step out into the open, that is what you call faith.

Aside from our comfort zones, we also have weaknesses that may make us hesitant. You might think "I don't have any useful talent. I can't sing, dance, speak, or socialize. God can't use me.", but you're wrong about that. God will still use us, despite our weaknesses. God gave each and every one of us a talent of their own. It's just up to us to discover that talent so that you can use it.

For those that have already found their talent, another problem arises that stops us from being used by God. Time. We might find our schedules to be too hectic to be able to do anything. We might find ourselves facing the books the entire day, or busy working until the sun sets. But here's the thing: busyness is not an issue - Are you going to make time? What is just ten minutes from your crowded schedule? If you could find time to check your Facebook notifications, you could also find time to read a couple verses from the bible. You could find time to just close your eyes and have a short conversation with God. You could find time to pray. It's just a few minutes everyday. Is that really too much? Aside from surrendering our comfort zones, we should also learn to surrender our time.

Think of it this way. What do you have? You have a family, a home, the clothes on your back, the food that you eat, the money that you spend, the time that you live, and so much more. And where did all of those come from? No, not your parents. They all came from God. He was the one that gave us food when we were hungry, clothes when we were cold, and more. So how bad is it to just give a little back? Our understanding of what God rendered, gives us faith that surrenders.

"...since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect."

Hebrews 11:40

So all we really have to do is have faith in whatever God has in store for use. Faith produces surrender in our lives.

"...fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

Hebrews 12:2

Promises

I don't know whether I should be sad, amused, or annoyed by how my friends keep teasing me. They'll ask me if it still hurts, if I'm over you. What else am I supposed to answer other than the truth? I tell them I am, but the problem is that no one believes me. Alright, I admit it, even I don't believe myself at times. But I just don't feel it anymore. I'm not sure if it's because we don't talk anymore or what. You know, it's kinda hard to love someone you don't even talk to anymore, even if it's unrequited. It's like saying your favorite food is mashed potatoes when the last time you ate it was when you were seven years old. I guess you can still say it's your favorite, but who knows? Maybe your taste buds have changed within that time frame. Or maybe it's the food that changed.

Remember our old promises? Now that I think of it, I guess they were just on the spur of the moment, but a promise is still a promise. One of those promises occurred when we were still hiding stuff from each other. We then decided to make a promise: No secrets. Ever since then, we had become closer. We no longer had to hide anything. We kept through with our promise. But look at us now. Do you ever wonder how much you don't know about me anymore? Do you ever think about how much I've changed since we drifted apart? I know I still think about you and this promise. I think about what were the things you would've shared to me. What would you have said? Would you have told me where you went and what you did? I don't mean to be clingy, I'm just making a point. If you ask me now, I wouldn't even be sure if you had stayed in your house the entire vacation or what.

Another promise is a big one. Before we even went into our relationship, we were really close, especially for people that have only know each other for five months. I even told you secrets that I didn't dare tell my best friends. You were that important to me back then. I even considered you as a best friend too. I don't know if you still remember this, but I made you promise that no matter what happens to us, we would still be friends. Nothing is to change that. Short and simple. When we had just broken up, I was kinda afraid that things would be different between us. I was relieved to find that everything was still the same, minus the title. We even went to the mall together the day after our break up. And that was totally fine with me. It gave me the reassurance that I needed to see that everything would turn out right in the end. But boy, was I wrong. After a few months, we almost got back together. But then I find out that you found someone better. So I left you two alone. It was fine at first. You would still talk to me once in a while to update me. But I noticed that after my birthday, almost all communication had stopped. It was cause she got jealous easily. At least I still understood that. But now, I just don't get it. Did that mean we couldn't be friends anymore? It's funny actually. I even recall you apologizing. What was that for? 'I'm sorry, but I can't be friends with you anymore'? What's up with that? I understood the part about you having to make space between us, but this is just exaggerating.

The last promise that I remember is one that I knew you would break, but not like this. It's the typical "I'm never going to leave you, I promise" bit. By the time you said that, I knew that it was coming. That was the time that we were getting into constant arguments over nothing in particular. I was bracing myself for the worst back then. I just kept telling myself that you'll still be by my side even if we ending up breaking up. BUZZ!! Wrong again. Aside from talking, we don't even see each other anymore. What a bummer. I know, I know. It's all because you love her so much. I get it. It shows. You love her so much that you're willing to sacrifice your friends because of her. You know what? "Our" group of friends were together for two weeks in a row already. I just decided not to invite you since I knew it would just be a waste of breath. Of course you wouldn't go. Even if I ask your friends, they would already know your answer without going to you first. So yeah. I guess you have left me. Not just as a lover, but also as someone I knew.

If by any chance you're reading this, I'm sorry. I know all of this sounds offending, but I'm not writing this to get you pissed. I just wanted to be able to let all this out. I've been keeping this in for who knows how long. Long story short, I miss you. Don't worry, I am TOTALLY OVER YOU. (Okay, maybe 95%, but that's as close as I can get.) It's my friend that I miss. My best friend. The guy I told all of my secrets to. The guy who knew just what to say to make me smile again. My Kuya. I just want him back into my life. I don't care about being anything big and important in your life anymore though. I just want to be able to call you my friend again. That's all I'm asking. You know, the occasional "How are you?" would be fine. That's it. Is that really too much to ask? And I just wanna say, I love you. No, not in the romantic sense. And I don't think I can still call you a friend in this situation. So I love you as a stranger. Is that okay?

Family

Just the other day, I got a full on sermon by my mom and dad. They went on and on about how I didn't talk to them with respect, how I'm asleep when they're awake, how I'm awake while they're asleep, and how I prioritize my friends over my family. While they went on and on about my actions, my mind was racing with things I wished I could tell them to their face. But I'm not that mean. I couldn't bring myself to tell them off and say that this is all their fault.

I know I don't talk with respect. I rarely do. My parents aren't exceptions to that. I mean, how am I supposed to respect them if they themselves can't do it to each other or even to me. I know they ARE my parents and they deserve respect, but that's not really what they're showing. They don't make themselves respectable. Would you consider respecting a couple you see outside, fighting and screaming curses at each other at 100 mph? What more if you see someone calling their own kid a son of a bitch? And how about if these curses and swears were directed at you? And for the cherry on top, imagine your own parents being the ones calling you an "anak ng puta". Would you really find the time to respect them?

They also started complaining about how I "never had time for them". They would say that they wanted to eat breakfast together, but I would have been asleep until lunch. "Kung gusto, may paraan" means If there's a will, there's a way. I've always wondered why they didn't just wake me up. If family bonding was so important to them, why didn't they show it with their actions? And if ever I do wake up early enough for it to be considered breakfast, we don't really eat together. I eat at the dining table, my dad brings his food to the living room, and my mom, well I never get to see her eat. She usually eats before or after everybody else. Even my little brother eats his food in his playroom.

When they tried to make me feel guilty by playing the "You spend more time with your friends than us" card, I had to bite my tongue. I really wanted to talk back and tell them what I felt, but I knew that would have been going too far. In my head, I was tempted to just tell them straight out that my friends are more like family to me than they were. Whenever I needed help or someone to talk to, they would be there for me, no matter how busy they were. They would be able to tell when I had something on my mind. They knew me better than anyone else. Honestly, my parents don't know anything about me. Or if they know anything, it wouldn't be much. They don't know what I do during the day. They don't know how I feel when I see them fighting. They probably don't even know what my favorite type of music is. But my friends know better. See, my friends ARE my family. That's why there's no wondering why I prioritize them over me locking myself in my bedroom the entire weekend with no one to talk to. 

And lately, I get a bunch of texts from my mom saying how she wants to move out and leave my dad. Really? Our family is already messed up as it is, and now I have way more on my plate than I can handle. Sometimes, I just wish that we didn't have all this money and power. I wish that we were just an average family that actually acts the part. I think that's what I really need now.

Insecurities

Have you ever made fun of someone about something? Like how they dress? How they walk? How they talk? How fat they are? I'm sure almost everyone is guilty, even if there aren't any ill intentions. But have you ever noticed how they react to your words? Do they smile? Do they laugh? Or do they just sigh and ignore it? I don't mean to be a hypocrite, but I can say that even I don't notice these little details. But have you ever wondered what they are thinking of on the receiving end?

Imagine this. You post a new photo of yourself as a display picture. Suddenly, you're surprised because you got a notification that someone commented on your picture. When you click on it, you read comments about how fat you are and how much weight you've gained. You try to joke around with them, telling them off. Then one of your friends comments on how the extra weight suits you, so you say your thanks. After a week, you end up changing your picture to a drawing that your friend made of you. Coincidence? Nah.

How about at school? You greet your friend every time you see him with a poke to the tummy, and he responds by poking back. It's all good until he switches from poking to pinching. Suddenly, you would feel more exposed. Being pinched just reminds you of how much weight you've actually gained.

You may think that I'm thinking too negatively about this, but from my background, it's more understandable. The truth is, back when I was a little kid, I was as fat as... let's just say I was round. If you have the means to stalk me and look at my old photos, you would see that. In America, it was fine. Actually, being chubby was kinda like the norm. But when I moved, everything changed. Almost all of my classmates were petite and skinny. It made me different. After a few years, when I had made some guy friends, they didn't hesitate to tell me straight out that I had some excess fats in my sides. Those small comments made me more conscious.

At first, it's fairly easy to just ignore and laugh off the comments people make. I'd even agree with them. But after a while, all of the words and actions against me kept building up inside me. It's kinda hard for someone like me to keep all this to herself. And I'm really not the type of person that tells others what's on my mind (if that wasn't obvious enough from my past posts). So that's kinda why I'm typing this right now.

But of course, it isn't enough to just stay still. I want to get rid of what they're teasing me about. So I'm TRYING to lose weight. I honestly don't know if that's a good idea though. Before, I was considered underweight, so the few pounds I gained recently is actually a plus to my health. But if it means that people will laugh at me for it, I think it would be better to just lose the extra weight.

Of course losing weight wouldn't be easy. Since this term was so hectic, I can't find the time to exercise regularly. So instead, I'm trying to reduce how much I eat. I'm not allowed to miss meals like before, but instead I'm just eating less. Less food means less spending, so I get to save money in the process. Sounds like a good deal to me. Hey, at least that's all I'm doing. Some people go as far as making themselves throw up just to lose weight.

So I guess this is just one big example to what I had in mind. Everybody has their own insecurities, whether they'll admit it or not. But it's up to all of us to realize those and be sensitive about it.