Frozen

Hello my blog! Remember me? I haven't written anything for over half a year already. How that much time passed so fast, I can't imagine. Anyways, I'm stuck in class and I'm bored as fudge, so I decided to type. I honestly don't know what I'm gonna type about, but who cares? :))

So right now, I'm a classroom. But not just any classroom. This classroom has this advanced technology designed to "increase" the amount of comfort for those within the four walls of the room. This state-of-the-art function is apparently a breakthrough in modern technology, but it's not THAT rare. Many high class buildings have this feature built in. Those that don't experience this technology on a daily basis embrace its effects with open arms, but to those that have already gotten used to it, it sometimes becomes a hindrance in productivity. This hassling technology is called the Air Conditioning System.

Often called 'aircon' in some countries or abbreviated AC or A/C in most countries (which for me is short for Agitating Cold), the air conditioning system is not a luxury for all. No, I'm not saying that it is monopolized by the upper and middle class (though that may be the case), but that not all people enjoy the effects of synthesized winter minus the snow. Sure, the cold is a refreshing escape from summer's high temperatures, but during the cold season, it should be illegal to turn the thermostat too low.

In this classroom, it's not hard to see that I'm the only one who disapproves of this unnecessary waste of electricity. My colleagues are wrapped up in extra shirts and jackets. One of them even resorted to wearing socks on his hand to protect his fingers from the cold. The moment our professor announced a quick snack break, the room was empty of shivering students. We stayed huddled together in the hallway, where open windows provided a safe haven from the blistering cold. Complaints about the air conditioner were heard from left to right. The suggestion to have the air conditioner turned off popped up everywhere.

Even I admit that not ALL air conditioners are like this. But our classroom in particular had the temperature set really low. Usually, I'm the only one who complains about the aircon, even though my jacket is part of my daily outfit. Even though I came from America and migrated to a tropical country, I became abnormally sensitive to the cold. It came as a surprise that I was not the only one with a chill.

Well I guess there's not much that I can actually do about the temperature, so I decided to just sit it out and brace the frigid air until the discussion is finished. It's alright. I've always wanted to be a talking snowman.

The Odd One Out

Have you ever felt left out? No, not just left out. But totally disregarded? Sucks, right?

Imagine a group of seven friends. If asked to group themselves into groups of three, what happens? Come on, recall your elementary mathematics. 7/3 = 2 1/3. So what is the fate of that one-third that's leftover? Here's what happens: nothing. Who cares about that fraction if there's already two complete groups?

Being the odd one out is very... depressing. I've noticed that when groups are required, no one ever goes to me first. I'm usually one of the fillers if there are too few in a group, or maybe the one people go to when everyone else is taken. Why is that? Am I too weird? Too stupid? Too small? Too different? Is that so wrong?

Lots of people like to sleepover at my condo. It's kinda like a second home to some. But what I hate the most is when there are a lot of us sleeping in my unit, but I end up sleeping alone. Yes, I like to be alone, but that's only when I'm actually alone. When I'm with others, I want to really be with them. I love it when a friend sleeps over and we get to sleep side by side. I really don't care who it is. (Okay fine, it still matters on who they are. But I'm usually really close to those who stay overnight.) It makes be feel less lonely than I actually am. But when there are a whole bunch of us here, I don't wanna end up sleeping alone on the sofa while everyone else is on the beds. The nearest person to me would be a good 3 meters away. And seeing that my condo isn't that big, that's pretty far away.

Even during breaks, people somehow seem to forget that the condo they're going to stay at is mine. They all go off to buy food while I'm left in the classroom fixing my stuff. When I walk out the door, I'm met by an empty hallway. So I have to find my way to my condo by myself and wait for them all to arrive. When they get there, they all have food with them, and I'm stuck cooking instant noodles cause I didn't know where they went to buy food.

Alright, the points I have been making are pretty shallow, but weeks of these events happened over and over again eventually gets to a person. So here I am, blabbing on about how I hate being left behind. At least my friends won't hear all this straight from my own mouth. 

And here's one of my favorite songs that totally matches the point of this post. Enjoy! :)

Distractions

Welcome to hell week! This is the last week we are allowed to take exams before the finals, so all of our classes have our last test within the span of this week. In just three days, we have four different exams, all of which are math related. Imagine that. A week full of numbers and theorems to memorize and understand. How stressful can a student's life get? Well it is our last push to pull up our grades before the finals, so everybody's serious. Well, almost everybody.

They've been having group study sessions almost everyday now. Last night they even stayed in Starbucks to study until the store closed. Honestly, I'm not really the 'group study' type of person. I find it much easier to study alone in my room while I listen to random music. I can't stand studying in a quiet room with just my notes and papers in front of me. I like to play games and surf the net while studying, contrary to what most of my classmates are used to. I'm just not compatible to study with the likes of them. And I say it's totally fine.

Another problem with me is that I rarely study before midnight. I find it hard to understand and absorb what I'm studying if it's too early (for my standards that is). But I hate being alone, so I still tag along to the study groups just for the company. But lately I guess that's being a little too selfish. I guess you can say that I'm just a distraction to them. While they're all busy reviewing, I'm playing games that have sharp sound effects. And if I'm not playing, I'm usually talking or sleeping. The sleeping part isn't too bad for them, but apparently I should learn to keep my mouth shut more. I guess I'm just naturally annoying. And now I kinda get why a lot of people don't like me. Well it's not like they tell me to my face that they dislike me (with the exception to a few souls that I truly appreciate for their honesty), but I can tell by the vibes they emit when I'm around. Maybe it's just my existence in general that irritates them, but I'm not sure.

So I guess I should just shut up and lay low for the next two weeks since finals are just around the corner. I don't want people to hate me more than they already do. I guess I just won't tag along to their study groups for a while. I prefer being alone than having people get mad at me. I'll just have some more alone time for myself.

Promises

I don't know whether I should be sad, amused, or annoyed by how my friends keep teasing me. They'll ask me if it still hurts, if I'm over you. What else am I supposed to answer other than the truth? I tell them I am, but the problem is that no one believes me. Alright, I admit it, even I don't believe myself at times. But I just don't feel it anymore. I'm not sure if it's because we don't talk anymore or what. You know, it's kinda hard to love someone you don't even talk to anymore, even if it's unrequited. It's like saying your favorite food is mashed potatoes when the last time you ate it was when you were seven years old. I guess you can still say it's your favorite, but who knows? Maybe your taste buds have changed within that time frame. Or maybe it's the food that changed.

Remember our old promises? Now that I think of it, I guess they were just on the spur of the moment, but a promise is still a promise. One of those promises occurred when we were still hiding stuff from each other. We then decided to make a promise: No secrets. Ever since then, we had become closer. We no longer had to hide anything. We kept through with our promise. But look at us now. Do you ever wonder how much you don't know about me anymore? Do you ever think about how much I've changed since we drifted apart? I know I still think about you and this promise. I think about what were the things you would've shared to me. What would you have said? Would you have told me where you went and what you did? I don't mean to be clingy, I'm just making a point. If you ask me now, I wouldn't even be sure if you had stayed in your house the entire vacation or what.

Another promise is a big one. Before we even went into our relationship, we were really close, especially for people that have only know each other for five months. I even told you secrets that I didn't dare tell my best friends. You were that important to me back then. I even considered you as a best friend too. I don't know if you still remember this, but I made you promise that no matter what happens to us, we would still be friends. Nothing is to change that. Short and simple. When we had just broken up, I was kinda afraid that things would be different between us. I was relieved to find that everything was still the same, minus the title. We even went to the mall together the day after our break up. And that was totally fine with me. It gave me the reassurance that I needed to see that everything would turn out right in the end. But boy, was I wrong. After a few months, we almost got back together. But then I find out that you found someone better. So I left you two alone. It was fine at first. You would still talk to me once in a while to update me. But I noticed that after my birthday, almost all communication had stopped. It was cause she got jealous easily. At least I still understood that. But now, I just don't get it. Did that mean we couldn't be friends anymore? It's funny actually. I even recall you apologizing. What was that for? 'I'm sorry, but I can't be friends with you anymore'? What's up with that? I understood the part about you having to make space between us, but this is just exaggerating.

The last promise that I remember is one that I knew you would break, but not like this. It's the typical "I'm never going to leave you, I promise" bit. By the time you said that, I knew that it was coming. That was the time that we were getting into constant arguments over nothing in particular. I was bracing myself for the worst back then. I just kept telling myself that you'll still be by my side even if we ending up breaking up. BUZZ!! Wrong again. Aside from talking, we don't even see each other anymore. What a bummer. I know, I know. It's all because you love her so much. I get it. It shows. You love her so much that you're willing to sacrifice your friends because of her. You know what? "Our" group of friends were together for two weeks in a row already. I just decided not to invite you since I knew it would just be a waste of breath. Of course you wouldn't go. Even if I ask your friends, they would already know your answer without going to you first. So yeah. I guess you have left me. Not just as a lover, but also as someone I knew.

If by any chance you're reading this, I'm sorry. I know all of this sounds offending, but I'm not writing this to get you pissed. I just wanted to be able to let all this out. I've been keeping this in for who knows how long. Long story short, I miss you. Don't worry, I am TOTALLY OVER YOU. (Okay, maybe 95%, but that's as close as I can get.) It's my friend that I miss. My best friend. The guy I told all of my secrets to. The guy who knew just what to say to make me smile again. My Kuya. I just want him back into my life. I don't care about being anything big and important in your life anymore though. I just want to be able to call you my friend again. That's all I'm asking. You know, the occasional "How are you?" would be fine. That's it. Is that really too much to ask? And I just wanna say, I love you. No, not in the romantic sense. And I don't think I can still call you a friend in this situation. So I love you as a stranger. Is that okay?

Insecurities

Have you ever made fun of someone about something? Like how they dress? How they walk? How they talk? How fat they are? I'm sure almost everyone is guilty, even if there aren't any ill intentions. But have you ever noticed how they react to your words? Do they smile? Do they laugh? Or do they just sigh and ignore it? I don't mean to be a hypocrite, but I can say that even I don't notice these little details. But have you ever wondered what they are thinking of on the receiving end?

Imagine this. You post a new photo of yourself as a display picture. Suddenly, you're surprised because you got a notification that someone commented on your picture. When you click on it, you read comments about how fat you are and how much weight you've gained. You try to joke around with them, telling them off. Then one of your friends comments on how the extra weight suits you, so you say your thanks. After a week, you end up changing your picture to a drawing that your friend made of you. Coincidence? Nah.

How about at school? You greet your friend every time you see him with a poke to the tummy, and he responds by poking back. It's all good until he switches from poking to pinching. Suddenly, you would feel more exposed. Being pinched just reminds you of how much weight you've actually gained.

You may think that I'm thinking too negatively about this, but from my background, it's more understandable. The truth is, back when I was a little kid, I was as fat as... let's just say I was round. If you have the means to stalk me and look at my old photos, you would see that. In America, it was fine. Actually, being chubby was kinda like the norm. But when I moved, everything changed. Almost all of my classmates were petite and skinny. It made me different. After a few years, when I had made some guy friends, they didn't hesitate to tell me straight out that I had some excess fats in my sides. Those small comments made me more conscious.

At first, it's fairly easy to just ignore and laugh off the comments people make. I'd even agree with them. But after a while, all of the words and actions against me kept building up inside me. It's kinda hard for someone like me to keep all this to herself. And I'm really not the type of person that tells others what's on my mind (if that wasn't obvious enough from my past posts). So that's kinda why I'm typing this right now.

But of course, it isn't enough to just stay still. I want to get rid of what they're teasing me about. So I'm TRYING to lose weight. I honestly don't know if that's a good idea though. Before, I was considered underweight, so the few pounds I gained recently is actually a plus to my health. But if it means that people will laugh at me for it, I think it would be better to just lose the extra weight.

Of course losing weight wouldn't be easy. Since this term was so hectic, I can't find the time to exercise regularly. So instead, I'm trying to reduce how much I eat. I'm not allowed to miss meals like before, but instead I'm just eating less. Less food means less spending, so I get to save money in the process. Sounds like a good deal to me. Hey, at least that's all I'm doing. Some people go as far as making themselves throw up just to lose weight.

So I guess this is just one big example to what I had in mind. Everybody has their own insecurities, whether they'll admit it or not. But it's up to all of us to realize those and be sensitive about it.

What if?

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you died? Not about whether there's a heaven or hell, but more on what you would leave behind. The people you knew. The people who knew you. Your parents. Your brothers. Your sisters. Your friends. Your best friends. Your neighbors. Everyone. How would they react? How would they take the news? Would they cry? Would they laugh? Would they even care?

Lately, I've been feeling pretty neglected. Yeah, I can still feel that some people care about me, but what about the rest? The group of people that I call "friends" haven't been treating me that way lately. Instead, they have been users, freeloaders. And that just doesn't seem fair. I care about them. It makes me happy to see them happy, so I give them what they want. I'm not asking for anything in return, but would it hurt to say thank you? Instead of those two words, they end up asking for more.

So I gave them a place to stay during their breaks. I gave them something to do when they're bored. I let them print their assignments for free. I give them some snacks for when they get hungry. But then what? I get shoved aside. While they are all enjoying, I end up alone at the side.

So what can I do? Stay put and keep quiet. Yep, that's about it. And once they close the door behind them, I burst into tears, without them even knowing. I've gotten used to doing that lately. And if some other friends drop by, I can quickly regain my composure without them suspecting a thing. I can't let them know. There's no point in worrying them about anything. I can handle it.

Well here's my situation. I have a feeling that if I suddenly died, everyone would be shocked. A few might cry, but probably not a lot. But after a few weeks, a group of people might start to feel my absence. Especially because they no longer have a place to stay and play. Wow huh? THAT'S their priority. I dunno if I'm just over reacting, but I really think that some people might just miss my condo more than me. And that's gotta suck on my part.

I have some emo-ish tendencies, so I've had a few suicidal thoughts lately. I wanna test my theory as to which they prefer - the condo or the owner. But I'm not that stupid. Yeah, I may try it out a bit, but I'd never pull through with it. That would just be a waste. I think.

If by any chance someone concerned reads this, please don't worry. Just forget what you read and continue on with your life. :)

Twinkle Twinkle

It's a Monday. You have an assignment that's due next week. You think to yourself, Seven days is pretty long. I have plenty of time to finish this assignment in time and you end up doing other stuff like going out with friends to watch a movie or play games at home. A few days pass and a friend of yours asks about the assignment. You reply that you haven't started, but say that you're gonna start in a little while. The weekend arrives and you tell yourself that you're gonna finish it so that you don't have to worry about it anymore. You sit down at your desk and get distracted by the computer. It's now Sunday night. You start panicking and rush to finish the assignment. You just realized that the assignment is really long. It takes you hours to finish it, well past your bedtime. By the time you finish, you're dead tired and fall asleep as soon as your head hits your pillow.

Does that story seem familiar? Well that's a classic procrastinating story. Alright, it's MY story. Like right now. Minus the falling asleep part though. I really am an insomniac.

Does that explain why I haven't been able to post anything lately? I hope it does. Whenever I thought of posting this weekend, I reminded myself that I have stuff to do. So I'd try to finish it all up, but end up doing something stupid like watching a bunch of YouTube videos or playing Solitaire. So in other words, I wasted all my time, so I ended up cramming.

But honestly, who DOESN'T procrastinate? Or at least who hasn't tried it? I'm pretty sure almost everyone has done that already. I mean, a student's life isn't complete unless they've procrastinated at least once. And as a college student, cramming and procrastinating are my best friends. I do it almost every time there's an assignment. Most of the time, I do them just an hour before it's due. I dunno why though. I know that it's not healthy to procrastinating since I'll end up stressing over stuff, but I still do it. I guess I've gotten used to it. Time to add cramming to my list of things I need to fix.

A word of advice from someone who knows: DON'T PROCRASTINATE. Yep, that means you, my dear reader. So ask yourself. Do you have anything you have to do right now? If you answered yes, then go do it! Don't copy me. Trust me on that.

So wondering where the twinkle twinkle title came from? Well it's because I procrastinated my ENGLRES note card making. We were given two weeks to research on our topics and make a bunch of note cards. Guess what my topic is. :> Yeah, my topic is about stars. So I just spent my last few hours reading and writing about supernovas, black holes, neutron stars, and galaxies. And now I think I'm seeing stars. I crammed a lot and stopped after 22 note cards. I hope that's enough for now.

Users

User. There are many definitions for this word. But in general, it just means "someone who uses something". Plain and simple. It's usually connected with another word to describe someone, such as a magic-user for some games. But if you think about it, there's a deeper meaning to this four-letter word. People are known to be "users". But what does this mean?

Imagine being in class. When the teacher announces that there is group or pairs work, the person behind you would suddenly tap you in the back and ask to be partners. Since you see that everyone else already has partners, you agree. That person would stand up and pull a chair close to you. And during the entire activity, he/she would just watch you. They would ask a random question every now and then regarding what you're doing, but wouldn't pay attention to your answer. Instead, they would just play with their hair or doodle. No contributions whatsoever. And after all that, they would insist that their name would be written first. He/she would take the paper and pass it to the teacher, probably as a compensation for not actually helping.

Now THAT is what you call a user.

Did anyone particular come to mind when you read that? Well, a few people popped into my mind while I was typing that. I've been a victim of a user's laziness. I remember many group projects when only a couple of us actually worked while the rest were just there as spectators. And trust me when I say this: I does NOT feel good to be used. I mean, who would like that?

Well lately, I've been feeling pretty USED. My friends come over to my place all the time just to play, sleep, or just chill, even when I'm out. I've been pretty busy lately with stuff like my academics and activities from my professional organization at school, but my friends have been pretty relaxed. That's why they're just at my place during breaks. While they're off playing around, I'm busy stressing myself out with extracurricular activities. Doesn't that seem kinda unfair?

So why don't I just leave them be and ban them from my condo? Well that's easier said than done. I have this fear of being alone (weird seeing that I'm living alone right now) and I get a feeling that if I don't let them get what they want, my friends might leave me. You might be thinking now "If they leave you, they're not your real friends and they aren't worth it." but again, when you're scared of being alone, you won't care if they're true friends or not. What's the difference as long as you have people around you, right?

Thankfully, a few of my friends noticed how I felt and decided to approach me about all this. I shrugged it all of and explained my part of the story and how I couldn't do much about the current situation. They recommended that I just talk to my friends about it, but I chose not to follow. Unlike most people, I can't bring myself to confront anyone about an issue that only concerns me. If it wasn't my condo but a friend of mine, it would be a lot easier to talk about it, but sadly, that isn't the case.

I'm not one to complain to their faces, so that's why I just vent it all out with my other friends or here. They probably won't read this blog anyways, so I'm not worried. And if ever they do read this particular post, I'd like it better if they just disregard everything they just read. I don't care if I'm being used. I don't want them to change because of something I said. If they were to change, I want it to come completely from them. I don't wanna be the bad guy though, so I'll just shut up now.

A little variety of screams

Oh hey! Look at that. My wish came true. While I was in my Theology class, the prof announced that classes were suspended starting at 1PM. Which meant that I didn't have math class anymore. Yay! So what was the first thing I did when I got back to my condo? Of course I took a nap. I mean, come on. I didn't sleep well the night before, so I might as well catch up on a few z's.

What's funny was that most of my friends didn't stay at my place. I'm guessing it's due to the fact that we hid our copy of Super Smash Bros. Brawl (see my previous posts for more info), so they had nothing to do here. A few of them came over either way, probably just for the air conditioning in my condo. They ended up watching a few episodes of House instead of playing. After a while, they decided to play a different game to pass the time. While they were playing, I fell asleep, so I have no idea how long they played. I kinda got worried that they might get addicted to a new game, but I didn't let it go to my head.

Even though only two days have passed, It's still fun to see my friend complaining about how much they miss playing Super Smash Bros. It makes me realize how addicted they really were. When they couldn't find the game on Monday, they started opening all of the game cases in my condo, thinking that maybe I just hid it from them. When we broke the "news" that his little brother was looking for the game, they decided to just watch a movie instead. Since we weren't with them when they found out, we couldn't see how they reacted. Too bad. It must've been a funny sight.

When I heard of how they responded, it triggered the part of me that is kind of sadistic. It felt fun to watch them suffer. I mean, they HAVE been kinda abusive when it came to my condo just to play, even when I wasn't around. So I figured that they deserve a break from playing Super Smash Bros., even if it's just for a while. Our plan is for just a week, but seeing as how they reacted, I MIGHT extend it.

What's the most fun with our little game of hide-and-seek? It's when my friend and I can play Super Smash Bros. all we want at night, and they don't even have a clue. It seems more fun to play something that they can't play. It's like a child enjoying their toy because his/her friends don't have it.

During the night, we even ended up inviting a few of his friends over to play a few games. It seemed more enjoyable when it isn't the same voices screaming about the game, since my friends' screams were getting a little repetitive. We ended up playing well past 12am. I guess I prefer variety when I hear screams from my friends.

"Campers" at my place.

You guys know the game Super Smash Bros.? Of course you do. I mean who doesn't? They have various versions for the different consoles available, like Melee for the Gamecube and Brawl for the Wii. The Super Smash Bros. series is a pretty big name for Nintendo, considering the fact that they combined characters and items from different games and mashed them up to create one fighting-style game that meets the tastes of almost all gamers.

Many characters came from well known titles, like Pokemon, Legend of Zelda, Kirby, Metal Gear, and of course, Super Mario. But aside from those, Super Smash Bros. introduced us to the not-so-famous characters like Ike, Marth, Pit, R.O.B., and the classic Mr. Game and Watch. Items and stages also came from various games, such as Animal Crossing and Ice Climber. So to sum it all up, Super Smash Bros. is like a hotpot of Nintendo titles for gamers of all different walks of life.

Sound interesting? Well it is, especially to my friends. Okay, maybe "interesting" is an understatement. My friends are complete ADDICTS. Trust me when I say this, I am not exaggerating anything. We had our hell week last week (which consisted of four quizzes. Talk about hectic.) and instead of studying during our breaks, they ended up visiting me in my condo just so they could play. And I'm pretty sure that each and every one of them has woken me up early one day just so they could practice in my condo.

It's easy to tell if they're playing in my condo. Once you get off the elevator on my floor, you will start to hear screaming and yelling coming from your right. That's my friends. I don't really get why they get so hyped up over this game. I mean, yeah, it's exciting. But after a while, the excitement dies down. Well I guess it's an exception for them.

Because of how addicted they were, my friend and I decided to "play a little game" with them. We hid the game in his condo (which is just upstairs from my place) and we told them that his little brother was looking for it so they took it back. So as I'm writing about this, we're in his condo while the rest of our friends are downstairs in my place. We have no idea what they're doing right now, but I'm gonna have to guess that they are either bored or they found a new game to play. I guess we'll just have to see. But a week without it shouldn't be too hard, right?

Tick Tock: My Body Clock

So it's about 5am and I still have class later on at 9:40. And I'm still wide awake. What's up with that? I've been getting used to sleeping this late, but I don't think this is healthy. At all. Well, I don't think I'm doing anything healthy with my body. I don't eat fruits or vegetables, and I keep eating salty foods (and I'm supposed to be on a NO sodium diet, mind you. But what my doctor doesn't know won't hurt her). So if I'm so unhealthy, why am I worrying about it now?

Well since this is a blog and I know that no one's gonna answer my question, I might as well answer it myself. It's cause this sleep thing is affecting almost everything that I do. My academics are going down the drain cause I end up sleeping in class. I lose time to do my assignments cause I don't feel like doing anything productive at this hour.

Okay, this is bad. (No duh?) I don't know what I'm supposed to do with myself anymore. See, this is kinda the reason why I decided to make a blog again. I can't sleep at night (or early morning) so I end up doing useless things like playing solitaire. So I figured I might as well spill out all that I'm thinking of into this blog.

Is this what they call insomnia? I guess I should add this to my list of abnormalities that I have. This whole thing just feels weird. I know that I WANT to sleep, yet I'm not sleepy at all. I can feel myself being tired under all this, but at the same time, my body just feels restless. It's telling me that I still have enough energy to keep moving around, and I can't fight it, no matter how tired my mind is.

Sorry about my mindless ranting. I forgot that it's 5am and you're probably too tired to worry about this. Oh yeah, this is a blog, you could still read this during the daytime. Oh well. Time to close my eyes and try to sleep. Wish me luck.

And if for some reason you're also having a hard time falling asleep, here are some sheep for you to count. Hope it helps. ^^