Woah

Forgot this existed. I made this 12 years ago, with my last post being about a decade ago. I skimmed through some of these blasts from the past, and it has brought back so many memories from a time long, long ago. And now that I'm here, I know of SOMEONE that is reading these to get to know me better. So special shout out to you!

So for the innocent child that I was back then, I'll let you in on some little secrets from your future. A lot has happened in this decade. You graduated college. You moved back to America. You joined the Navy. You got out of the Navy. You got married. You got divorced. You are taking medication for your anxiety and depression. And you are finally at a point where I can say that we are actually happy. 

It wasn't easy. Life has been a roller coaster, and 2024 was that loop that takes you upside down. But I feel like as the year is coming to a close, I'm starting to see the results of all the work I put into myself. I learned about self-love. How to stop pouring into someone's cup when they have no intention of filling yours as well. I ran around trying to figure out what it is that makes me "me". Picked up pieces of myself that I had lost throughout the years. Reconnected with friends and family that I know will always have my back. Learned how to establish boundaries. Refuse to let people step on me. I'm making progress in myself, and I'm proud of what I've done this year.

I reread some of these posts from my past and I wish I could hug me from back then. Tell her that even though things may look bleak and times get rough, we do make it through it. I'm nowhere near the finish line, but I at least know that there is patches of light in this tunnel. Spots that bring warmth and peace in a normally dark and damp place. 

Refinding this blog is like finding a time capsule buried in my backyard. And honestly, I wouldn't change anything about what I wrote in the past. All of those emotions and feelings were valid. And they are what shaped me to be who I am today. 

Keep your head up high. Hold onto your values and don't let go. Treat people kindly and with respect, even when it gets hard to. Blessing come to those that have faith. Here's to a new year. Cheers!

Tell me

Here I go again. Another completely random and unpredictable moment when I drown myself in all of the negative feelings I've apparently been keeping it all to myself for a while. I guess without myself even knowing, it just suddenly overflowed. Well, I guess I have nothing else to do but to talk to no one in particular until the bad feelings go away. It's not like I have anyone else I wanna bother in particular.

I feel like shit.

Yeah, I guess that's the most accurate statement as to the whirlpool of emotions that I am currently trapped within. I feel like I can't do anything worth doing anymore. I can't answer phones. I can't buy from small shops. I can't cross the street.

I can't.

Well, it's either I can't, or I don't think I can. I keep making stupid excuses for not learning new things like riding a bike, getting my license, and more. I sometimes even have this bad habit of blaming my parents for never leaving me alone so I could never try something new. I just feel like this failure of a girl that keeps laughing off her problems by making them out as jokes.

I need someone.

I need someone to tell me otherwise. To tell me I'm not a failure and that I'll be fine. To tell me that everyone goes through this sort of existential crisis at one point or another as to their purpose in life, and that I'm not alone in this. Or even someone to smack the truth into me so that I know I need to change. I don't really know what I want. I just need someone to talk to.

And I don't wanna do what other do like posting out in public that they need attention like those annoying attention whores. I don't want people to look at me and think 'oh, she just wants people to tell her she's smart, talented, etc.'. I don't want that. I just want to be accepted. I want people to tell me, but I don't wanna tell anyone what I need. So in the end, I just went in a circle and solved nothing. Sure, I have my few best friends, but I don't want them to worry about me any more than they have to. I wanna be strong too. I just don't know how I'm supposed to get up in the first place.

I feel so confused. I need help. I don't want help. It's like my ego is protecting something this trivial. Anyhow, if anyone I know ends up reading this, just don't mention it. I'll probably be fine by the time anyone notices this post anyways. Just a small tip though. Leave little hints that I actually mean something. I would definitely appreciate that. :) So I guess this entire post was just me letting out whatever I felt. I guess that's how almost all of my posts are. Sorry about the long ranting.

Sleepless Mornings

I'm back after months of doing this and that. Hey, at least I have an excuse. I've just been so busy with... life, I guess? Well, since my last post, I have...

• Defended and submitted my thesis
• GRADUATED (O.O)
• Gotten a boyfriend ♥
• Figured out how antisocial I really am
• Gotten a lot fatter -_-
• A new phone (since my old phone just decided to die)
• Been addicted with a sorta new game for iPhones and stuff (Summoner's War: Sky Arena)
• Listened to my mom ranting about her marriage multiple times
• Pondered the meaning of life
• And more that I can't really remember

Does that make me productive? Or is this list relatively short for the span of time I had? Well, I guess it is kinda bad that quite a few items on the list are negative. So I guess I wasn't as productive as a hoped for. I'm not surprised. I'm not that productive in the first place anyways.

Well as to why I suddenly decided to revive my blog is cause for the past week or two, I've had a total flip on my body clock. I honestly can't remember the last time I was able to sleep before 2AM. The norm for me nowadays is to lie in bed around 2:30 and just... shut my eyes. I'm not really asleep, so I don't feel rested in the slightest, and I end up opening my eyes again to see that it's around 4AM. Look at all that wasted time. I drift to sleep a little past 4, but end up waking up late into the day at around 3PM. By that time, I would've missed breakfast and lunch, so I eat a lunch/dinner hybrid. See how messed up my clock is? So now, I'm just trying not to sleep yet so that I might be able to sleep earlier in the night. I really hope this works.

So whenever I'm just lying in bed, I end up over-thinking how useless I've become. I figure that if my parents ever do end up breaking up, I don't have enough life skills of common sense to survive. I don't know how to cross the street, commute, talk on the phone, buy stuff from anywhere that's not in a mall, ride a bike, ride a car, exercise, and more. See? If someone plopped me in the middle of town somewhere, I'd most probably end up either a beggar or even dying there. Sad, isn't it? 

So what about all this ranting? Well, I'm gonna use this as a reason for me to actually start doing something with my life. I don't wanna keep having all these dull moments anymore. I wanna be able to actually do something with my life. I don't wanna be an old joe shmoe. I wanna be someone that does things that she could boast to her kids and grandkids. So far, I'm not doing so good, but I know that I'm still too young to give up. I'm not even 20 years old yet. A lot can change in 5, 10, or 20 years. I'm not gonna give up yet. So I guess I'll take it one step at a time.

That means that as a first step, I need to... get some sleep.

I'm the sister nobody wants

I'm the spoiled little sister that has to get what I want.

I'm the mean older sister that wants to be the "bunso" of the family again.

I'm the sister that is too awkward to be able to keep up a conversation.

I'm the sister that isn't noticed, but wants to be.

I'm the sister that wants to get closer to her siblings, but can't find it in herself to take the first step, to make the first move. I'm stuck with reading posts and conversations about my family treating others more like family than they do me. I'm the attention whore sister that wants to be in the middle of it all. But I can't do anything about it.

I wish I could do more. I wish I could tell them I that I really like talking with them. But I can't. I just can't. So I end up forgotten. Replaced. I see others being treated more as a sister than I am. I just pretend not to notice. I pretend it's alright.

I'm the sister that nobody wants. I can't do anything except make a mess of everything that others have to clean up after. Maybe that's why nobody wants to be responsible of me. I'm just another to feed. I'm just another face in the family reunion. I'm just there, but at the same time not. 

Yeah, I probably fail at being a sister. Everybody can imagine the perfect sister as the one that will run to you at random times just to say that she missed you. The cute little girl that knows how to say how she feels. But I'm nowhere near that. I hold everything in, waiting for the time that my siblings remember me.

And now I'm just stuck thinking, My brother never talked to me like that before. My sister never taught me how to dress up. My little brother never actually looked up to me before. 

I never did anything for them either.

Christmas Wishlist 2013

I'm amazed that 2013 is almost done with. Only one month is left of this year. That was way too fast for me. And coming up soon is Christmas, with the trees, ornaments, and gifts galore. My wish list hasn't changed much. This year is the same as any year. I would be totally happy with anything to be honest, but of course there are still those things that I would love to receive more than others. I doubt anybody would actually read this, but I might as well start listing these down. 

*An original copy of either FFVII, FFVIII, or Chrono Cross (I would also enjoy the soundtracks of these)

*A teddy bear that looks like Ted

*A Patron Avril Lavigne Concert ticket (If I don't get one for Christmas, I'm gonna have to buy one in January)

*A Final Fantasy Plushies/Figure (I've seen a bunch of these somewhere...)

*Makino Tsukushi's Saturn Necklace (from Hana Yori Dango)

*A Planner (Since I'm more bound to use it if it's a gift)

*A Letter. Actually, I don't care if you write random shit on it or what. As long as it's a letter that isn't filled with plastic comments, I would love it. Sentimental person here. 

Yup. That sounds about right. It's either non-attainable, or a letter. :))

Frozen

Hello my blog! Remember me? I haven't written anything for over half a year already. How that much time passed so fast, I can't imagine. Anyways, I'm stuck in class and I'm bored as fudge, so I decided to type. I honestly don't know what I'm gonna type about, but who cares? :))

So right now, I'm a classroom. But not just any classroom. This classroom has this advanced technology designed to "increase" the amount of comfort for those within the four walls of the room. This state-of-the-art function is apparently a breakthrough in modern technology, but it's not THAT rare. Many high class buildings have this feature built in. Those that don't experience this technology on a daily basis embrace its effects with open arms, but to those that have already gotten used to it, it sometimes becomes a hindrance in productivity. This hassling technology is called the Air Conditioning System.

Often called 'aircon' in some countries or abbreviated AC or A/C in most countries (which for me is short for Agitating Cold), the air conditioning system is not a luxury for all. No, I'm not saying that it is monopolized by the upper and middle class (though that may be the case), but that not all people enjoy the effects of synthesized winter minus the snow. Sure, the cold is a refreshing escape from summer's high temperatures, but during the cold season, it should be illegal to turn the thermostat too low.

In this classroom, it's not hard to see that I'm the only one who disapproves of this unnecessary waste of electricity. My colleagues are wrapped up in extra shirts and jackets. One of them even resorted to wearing socks on his hand to protect his fingers from the cold. The moment our professor announced a quick snack break, the room was empty of shivering students. We stayed huddled together in the hallway, where open windows provided a safe haven from the blistering cold. Complaints about the air conditioner were heard from left to right. The suggestion to have the air conditioner turned off popped up everywhere.

Even I admit that not ALL air conditioners are like this. But our classroom in particular had the temperature set really low. Usually, I'm the only one who complains about the aircon, even though my jacket is part of my daily outfit. Even though I came from America and migrated to a tropical country, I became abnormally sensitive to the cold. It came as a surprise that I was not the only one with a chill.

Well I guess there's not much that I can actually do about the temperature, so I decided to just sit it out and brace the frigid air until the discussion is finished. It's alright. I've always wanted to be a talking snowman.

Baby Bird

Just yesterday, my friend told me a cute story of what he saw when he got home. He found a baby bird in a cage. When he asked where the baby bird came from, his little sister told him that they found the bird on the ground, injured. A cat almost got to it, so they went to save the baby by placing it in a cage.

So my friend decided to tie the cage up into a tree so that the cat wouldn't be able to reach it again. Once the cage was all set, he noticed the mother bird watching over its baby. It wouldn't leave its baby behind, so she would stay near the cage.

She would also flap her wings, and the baby would try to imitate her. She was teaching her baby how to fly. The baby had a small wound on its leg, but its wings were fine. The mother bird still stayed near the baby, making sure no harm came its way.

When my friend went back to check on the baby bird before dinner, he found the cage empty. He had left the cage open for the baby bird to be able to fly out. I guess that means the baby has found out how to fly and has left with its mother already.

And now that today is Mother's day, I'd like to give a shout out to all the mother birds out there who always watch over their baby birds and who teach them how to fly. Just like a mother bird, we all have a mother. She may be far away, or just downstairs. No matter where your mother is, give them a hug or at least a phone call. Tell them thank you for teaching you how to walk, talk, and fly. Tell them thank you for never giving up on you, no matter how hard it is to take care of you. Tell them you love them.

So Happy Mother's day to all mothers out there! Take care, God bless, and THANK YOU. :)